The one that counts

.... do you know when you asked me if I ever cheated on you and I told you NO?

The words that she used to send me and my life in this dream like situation that I could not control until recently.
... are you shitting me, 12 years and then this, what did I do wrong, where have I failed. Did´t I try to be good husband? Did´t I try to make you happy every day? Did´t I try?
The one and only in my life, the Girl that I thought that she is the one for me because the way she was and loved me, GONE.

Years after, I realized that we both made mistakes, but to give up 12 years of happiness just for a NEW feeling? I had my far chances of being seduced by other Girls, but I always told my self that I have the right Girl and I was never big on marriage. I will never put our relationship and our love on the line, for nobody and for no new feeling.
Girls and Guys be warned, never think that you have the best relationship in the world. Never stop trying to make it better.
But was´t that what I did?

The Pain
I know that I am not alone with this feelings that I went through and so many people have experienced the pain that I had to feel.
Honestly I am scared to start a new relationship because I remember the pain, how it felt, the constant dream like situation I was in.
"It will all be OK, this is not happening, not my Girl"
Sitting in my Car and driving, just driving, if I only could forget what she just told me a couple of minutes ago.
Later I realized that I was driving under the influence. NO, I was not drunk and I did not take any drugs, but I a couple of days later I was not aware how I reached my destination, if I would have crashed that night, I would have never felt it.
4 years later I still feel that pain and I miss what I have had.
Don´t get me wrong, there is no more love that I feel, just the feeling that we both shared those 12 years, the relationship that we had that I thought was perfect until the 23rd of August 2005, one day before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Can you feel my pain? Wandering around like a zombie like person not knowing where to start first, what to do next.

Starting over
So we tried to make it work. I always said, there is no 2nd Chance after some one is cheating on me, but there is also this pain and the hope that she will chose me over him.
There is the hope that she will realize that I am the best for her and think back of all the great times that we had.
Pleading for a chance to be together again and trying all I can do to help us out, one day at the therapists office I realized that this is it.
This is the End of our relationship and our marriage. Don´t get me wrong but it felt good, it felt like I was freed from this enormous load that I carried around for over 8 months now.
That is right, it took me 8 months to realize that she is still in love with him and I saw that she was not even trying to win me back.

Where do I stand now?
Listening to stories about how I should tread women, I ask my self if women in these days even know what some of us have to offer. "Good Guys end up last", "You got to treat her bad, so she stays" This is what I do not get and I will never change.
I still believe that that women are a gift from God, Karma, the Heaven, what ever you believe in.
They are the most beautiful thing out there in this world and I will continue to honor, respect and love them, no matter what some of you say (even girls).
Am I still hurt and do I miss her?
You bet I do, I am still hurt but I do not miss her. I miss the time that we had. I miss the love that we shared for such a long time. I miss walking in the Cities, Hand in Hand. I miss cuddling in front of the TV and watching a good movie. I miss surprising her with a little "I love you" note at the door when she leaves for work.
I miss being in love.